Living out Loud
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The life of IB is one of discovery. Like Huck down the river and Sidd at the river and Paddy in the bath tub. Its kinda cool, kinda freaky, kinda scary to live like this. Eyes open to new beginnings, mind wanders to wider opportunities. Wanders too much. Hur hur at the end of the day it boils down to hard work, grades and more coffee.
The idea of studying IB, to take on a global perspective, seems like a dream. Listening to Kings, UCL and yadda yadda college talk about discussing the financial crisis, reducing world poverty...it seems so...ideal. Interesting, exciting but practical? Almost. Maybe its cause im not a dreamer. Dreamers go far, wide, achieve the impossible. Le Parkour. Impossible is nothing. But Im no dreamer. Do what needs to be done now. Finish. Move on. Maybe that's bad. Or maybe its good. Don't know. Why bother?
Been trying to clear work for the past few weeks. Drafts of every kind coming in, going out...type type type. But I kinda enjoy it. Something about accomplishing that WL or TOK draft after spending 3 days pondering and typing it seems so gratifying. The idea of work the drafts now, study later becomes so attractive. I think im not cut out to study. I know I have to, need to, must. But I like working. Like just stupidly going through motion, thinking a bit and working. Sigh. That's why I fear exams. I need to know the answers. To have mugged enough to throw them all back. Time....(one of) my greatest enemy.
All right so a bit of update on the life of a spectator of spectators. Little sleep becomes lots of sleep. SAY YAY TO HOLS! Haha I guess its part of the course. I don't know but this year feels the most lonely yet, yet not lonely. I guess even when knowing more people in school, saying hi along the corridors, in class, doesn't really equate to close friends. Friends u can always depend on in laugther and tears. Close buddies in sec sch all move on to different classes. I feel more mature now, more knowledgeable, more aware of things around the world than ever before. But yet its the sinking feeling that when one is alone, there's no one really there.
God has been a refuge. I know. Here and there he does things that remind me. But its hard to move on each day like that. There are so few like minded people around. It's plain, sterile, almost discouraging to exist in this manner. It feels like ive lost interest in faith. I know its not right, not what God wants but its just the sianness that comes when thinking about the life I live. Maybe its stress, work, sin, guilt, responsibility that takes me away but I can't seem to give them up. It's like a spiral.
It's funny how I just watched Glee 'don't stop believing' on dailymotion and suddenly find it so weird that Im staring at a non-Christian video that tells me to not give up. Oh gosh, I need something exciting in my life again.
~In the silence Im waiting to hear your voice~
