Empty
Friday, October 21, 2011
I'm tired. It's been a long week. Sometimes I feel like a big loser on the inside, unable to meet up to expectations, letting others down and worse still, irritating others. It's depressing. I don't know how to live anymore. Sometimes what is right isn't right, what seems right only ends up wrong. Doing good does more harm. Being responsible only ends up in more trouble. I always thought that leadership was about taking charge, making your own decisions and getting things done with the team. But there is no team. There is only I. There are only whys. How do you lead when you have no followers? Maybe it's time I just took a back seat, to do what is required and nothing more. It's tiring to find a reason for everything I do. It really is.
I'm done. I'm no longer the person I once was. It's hard to put on a front of normality when every week I go back to be bullied, to swallow ego and to play nice. It''s not easy when nothing you do to help gets recognised and everything else just seems to be extra. I'm a straightforward person. I can't please everyone. All I ever wanted to do was to do things right. That's not enough.
Maybe I've lost sight of God. I've fallen to a new low, a new distance away from Him. I used to tell people tough times make me go to Him more, draws me closer to Him. Now I go to Him half heartedly, clinging on to my burdens more. Reality hits you hard when it gets personal. I struggle to pray everyday. Wrong. I struggle to pray. The words seem rehearsed, a lip service. I'm desperate but I have no faith. It's a dark hole, I can't tell top from bottom.
Hopefully something good comes out of these 5 months. I shall go to bed now, with only tomorrow's sun to drive away the gloom.
~In the silence...Im waiting to hear your voice~
