Contradictions
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I'm tired of being tired, miserable from feeling miserable, cranky from having teenage angst, overwhelmed with emotions, unclear of what is clear, bogged down by triviality, burdened with individualistic thoughts, lost in a defined system of daily routine, begging for purpose that I have since forgotten, yearning for release.
I am broken.
~
I woke up this morning feeling empty. Something wasn't right. I had lost it. The feeling of purposefulness, of chasing something. I'm going through motion each day. Run, study, communicate, endure, sleep. Relationships seem so trivial. I know I've passed the stage of identity crisis, but now its different. It's a state of limbo I'm in. It's like
I'm gliding through life, being like the servant who did not use his talents wisely. I admit I'm confused about what is expected of me. Am I supposed to be the leader I always expect of myself, guiding others along? Because somehow I feel very unequipped, unsure of what is best, out of touch with the community I'm in. Or am I to follow along with the crowd? It seems easier to survive that way, staying under the radar, taking care that I don't fall behind and pull others down with me.
Being Cadet Flight Commander for the past week was extremely stressful. It was not so much the responsibility that stressed me. But rather it was the character I had morphed into which greatly disturbs me. I had to be strict, demand high standards, look out for everything. I wasn't
myself. It irked me that I could not be my usual
cheerful joker self. Having to enter a meeting room everyday and trash out the same issues over and over again only to see myself repeating it next week exhausts me.
I realise I need to find God again. I have unknowingly strayed. Little by little I have lost that sense of purpose of doing things for His glory. Routine just seems so trivial, so irrelevant to His great plans. My heart has hardened itself to those that I do not know, that I do not care to know.
~
Lord, I pray you help me seek more of You each day. To see the needs of others and not my own. Father, allow me to see Your work in each and everything around me. Help me to give thanks for every blessing that comes my way. Aid me in being slow to anger and to be quick in showing compassion to others. Renew my sense of purpose in You. Surround me with God fearing friends. Be my support and my shelter. Forgive me of my ignorance and I pray that You effect change in my life. I am self - centred. Help me to realise I am nothing and You are everything. In Jesus name, that comes with heavenly authority, I pray and commit all. Amen.~In the silence...
I'm waiting to hear your voice~
Reassurance
Monday, May 16, 2011
A song that can't leave my mind. And Heart :D
You Hold Me NowOn that day when I see
All that You have for me
When I see You face to face
There surrounded by Your grace
All my fears swept away
In the light of Your embrace
Where Your love is all I need
And forever I am free
Where the streets are made of gold
In Your presence healed and whole
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone
No weeping no hurt or pain
No suffering You hold me now
You hold me now
No darkness no sick or lame
No hiding You hold me now
You hold me now
In this life I will stand
Through my joy and my pain
Knowing there's a greater day
There's a hope that never fails
Where Your Name is lifted high
And forever praises rise
For the glory of Your Name
I'm believing for the day
Where the wars and violence cease
All creation lives in peace
Let the songs of heaven
Rise to You alone
:D
~
For eternityAll my heart will giveAll the glory to Your Name~~In the silence...Im waiting to hear your voice~
Oh! Gravity
Sunday, May 15, 2011
It's a sunny Sunday afternoon. The rain is drizzling to a stop. The air smells fresh but feels thick. I exist. Hur hur, so much for situational awareness. Just got back from Air Wing OBS. Yes, you read correct. OBS by OCS cadets. Nothing wrong with it really, cause everything was done double quick time, army/air force style :D Paddle like crazy round Ubin. Check. Fast march around Ubin. Check. Sing army songs while doing 5BX and running up and down steep slopes. Check. Wear a hat. Check. Of course, most of these were self, or should I say, group imposed so it made things a lot more fun and challenging. A wonderful experience. Never forget it :D
In other news, bought a old/new Switchfoot album :DDD Oh! Gravity. Got it from SKS at 30% off cause they were having another big CD sale. Quite a nice CD to listen to when you are half asleep. Gets your feet moving and heart thumping :) Yeah XD Somehow I kinda miss home cooked food now. Mum doesn't cook anymore cause I'm never sure when I'll be free on the weekends for meals. Haha guess I miss cooking too? Going to Praisecell/Alex's house every week and having the girls whip up a storm gets me in the mood for cooking again! Haha but oh well good breakfast and good company really makes my day :) Thanks guys (girls)!
Booking in in a few hours time...Life moves on.
~In the silence...Im waiting to hear your voice~
Your Love is A Symphony
Sunday, May 1, 2011
It's been 2 weeks. I'm home for the first time. I am now part of the RSAF. What more can I ask for? God has been good, will always be good. It's just a question of when I realise it. Heard GBAD is insanely tough, worse than infantry but hey whom do I fear XD
Already missing all my friends back at Tango. Jackie, Jeremy, Guo Wei, Rui Peng, Kae Yuan, my buddy Chong Yeow and all the other amazing guys back at Tango Platoon 3. Thanks for the 2 weeks of craziness. Waking up at insane hours, standing together at the parade grounds to get our ranks. It's been an amazing 2 weeks :) Hope the next 7 weeks would be just as fun :)
Wanna see my school friends real bad too!
~In the silence...Im waiting to hear your voice~
