A depressed soul, an open heart
Monday, July 19, 2010
I finally did it. I got someone to change my
FB account so that I never will enter it again till after
IB. It's depressing but other stuff are worse. Well I guess this would be the last time I pen down my thoughts till after exams too. Expecting terrible results. I have no idea how
i'll face up to my mum and myself after Wed. It's a terrible feeling. If they
deregister me, I am destroyed.
Funny how I shared about humility this morning at
FireAC. Meekness rather. Have I been too arrogant? Don't know, not proud definitely, I've got nothing to be proud off. Is bad results a way for God to humble me then?
Ahhh painful painful painful.
IOC seems so daunting, prelims seems so close, time seems so short, stuff to study is too much. I am heavy burdened, but so is everyone.
To find strength in God is an easy thing to say. To do so is harder. There is so much incoherent thought in my brain, it's frustrating. How can one say that failures are a good thing? Yes they make you work harder, to put in more effort but what is more effort? Is it writing more notes and looking at more essays? How does one improve? This is
pathetic. Studying is
pathetic. It all boils down to 30% understanding, 70% memorising. It's about going through the same thing over again till you get it right, and not only right but you can recite it with your brains closed. It is therefore saddening to know that this is knowledge, this is what we chase after and this is what we,
IB students who have spent so much time thinking, pondering and reasoning, come down to.
I don't know. To come before God with genuine humility means taking a severe beating first. One cannot be broken unless one is smashed. So smashed I will be come Wed, let faith, which they call ignorance, be tested. I will be prepared for the consequences but what then after that? How can I improve. God knows, yes he does.
For the Bible tells me so.
~In the silence...I'm waiting to hear your voice~
