Argh
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Sitting in front of the computer has become an almost routine thing, scrolling through FB, watching Youtube, checking email. Seems normal enough until it sinks in that I'm living my life out on a computer screen.
It feels weird, almost depressing at not being able to hold that kind of long drawn out conversations with people, loosing the sense of belonging to anything in particular. It's like television programmes, one moment the show becomes so important and engaging but when it ends, it's forgotten, a meaningless part of your life. I wonder if school had been that kind of anchor my life depended on. The daily routine of saying good morning to people as I descend the steps to FireAC, the looking forward to recess and history classes and of course, the engaging conversations with friends.
Now that all that's gone, I feel almost awkward at meeting people, as if the meetings are only meant to fill the silent gaps that exist after IB ended. It's like catching up for catch up sake. Or at times to remind myself that I still belong to a community. I guess all this cynicism is a result of having known most of my friends for 6 years, some 12. Leaving the system suddenly becomes a shock that is hard to overcome. Worst still is knowing that some close relationships forged during the course of the past 2 years just seem to vanish the moment school ended. It just feels so...heartbreaking.
Anyway, I've rediscovered my love for books, one which I had 不知不觉的lost after entering IP in Sec 3. There simply wasn't enough time to read novels and such. Spending 3 hours 2 days ago at Jurong Library was like a detox session as I ploughed through the non fiction books. Thank God I took history cause now all those giganton history non fiction books become such interesting reads. I can't put them down! Spent last night reading a book called 'Secret wars of MI5 and MI6 (fyi they are the internal and external branches of the British national security agency respectively)' until 2am. Still haven't finished it but will try by tonight. Lying on my desk are Psychology demystified (something like the -for dummies series), Bummy Davis and Murder Inc. (an account of the Jewish mafia in America) and Start Where You Are (a book by the same guy who wrote The pursuit of Happyness).
Have grown a new found love for Switchfoot songs. Maybe cause the combination of meaningful lyrics and noisy rock music is such an irony. Trying to find their albums at Popular bookstores but they don't seem to carry them. Went into a Christian bookstore to ask if they did have their cds and was faced with a bewildered store owner. She asked me to repeat three times the name of the band and got me to spell it out! Haha ok I shouldn't have said they were a Christian band XD
Well, looking forward to the start of army. A new community to start in, with fresh friendships to be forged. Only this time, I hope they last a lifetime.
~In the silence...I'm waiting to hear your voice~
