Contradictions
Saturday, May 28, 2011
I'm tired of being tired, miserable from feeling miserable, cranky from having teenage angst, overwhelmed with emotions, unclear of what is clear, bogged down by triviality, burdened with individualistic thoughts, lost in a defined system of daily routine, begging for purpose that I have since forgotten, yearning for release.
I am broken.
~
I woke up this morning feeling empty. Something wasn't right. I had lost it. The feeling of purposefulness, of chasing something. I'm going through motion each day. Run, study, communicate, endure, sleep. Relationships seem so trivial. I know I've passed the stage of identity crisis, but now its different. It's a state of limbo I'm in. It's like
I'm gliding through life, being like the servant who did not use his talents wisely. I admit I'm confused about what is expected of me. Am I supposed to be the leader I always expect of myself, guiding others along? Because somehow I feel very unequipped, unsure of what is best, out of touch with the community I'm in. Or am I to follow along with the crowd? It seems easier to survive that way, staying under the radar, taking care that I don't fall behind and pull others down with me.
Being Cadet Flight Commander for the past week was extremely stressful. It was not so much the responsibility that stressed me. But rather it was the character I had morphed into which greatly disturbs me. I had to be strict, demand high standards, look out for everything. I wasn't
myself. It irked me that I could not be my usual
cheerful joker self. Having to enter a meeting room everyday and trash out the same issues over and over again only to see myself repeating it next week exhausts me.
I realise I need to find God again. I have unknowingly strayed. Little by little I have lost that sense of purpose of doing things for His glory. Routine just seems so trivial, so irrelevant to His great plans. My heart has hardened itself to those that I do not know, that I do not care to know.
~
Lord, I pray you help me seek more of You each day. To see the needs of others and not my own. Father, allow me to see Your work in each and everything around me. Help me to give thanks for every blessing that comes my way. Aid me in being slow to anger and to be quick in showing compassion to others. Renew my sense of purpose in You. Surround me with God fearing friends. Be my support and my shelter. Forgive me of my ignorance and I pray that You effect change in my life. I am self - centred. Help me to realise I am nothing and You are everything. In Jesus name, that comes with heavenly authority, I pray and commit all. Amen.~In the silence...
I'm waiting to hear your voice~
